I am happier when I am alone. But I am miserable and feel hopeless and depressed when I push myself to make this work. Should I end or still continue to make it work? Please help.
– By Anonymous
Response by Dr.Prakriti Poddar: Thank you for writing to us. Marriage is usually not easy for most people. It is two people with different ‘frames of reference’, different life lessons converging to provide a space for mutual growth and security for the next generation. Having the belief that a partner ‘must’ understand you at all times is ‘irrational’ and not a valid measurement for success in the marriage.
Many times the grass is greener on the other side, especially if we have an experience of more expressive love. We crave that. However, this craving is yours to work with and not the other. It is your issue and not your husband’s. Sometimes thinking about what you can give in a relationship is more important than thinking about what you can receive. Change your lens to invoke happiness. At this point, reconsidering how to circumvent around your expectations, taking a step back and seeing if any negotiations are possible would be a good option. A shot at couple counselling could bring clarity to things and give you relief that you tried everything in your power to make everybody happy. You have correctly identified the stability your three-year-old needs and expects from his parents. Their need trumps yours for now. However, you will need to introspect and figure out what the basis of a healthy relationship is according to you. You will need to weigh what may be irrational expectations and what may be rational. Take a look at the shared values, goals interests and commonalities that both of you possess and try and build on that. A healthy relationship requires both of you to work on it equally, constantly. Since your husband is putting in more effort, you too must invest in your relationship wholeheartedly and not chase after an “ideal” husband that tick marks all the criteria’s that you may have.
– Dr Prakriti Poddar is an expert in mental health and the Director of Poddar Wellness Ltd.
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